There are seasons in our life when we realize that something has shifted within us. Not necessarily because of one defining moment, but because little by little, we begin to see our life differently.
It’s been a couple of years since I moved away from Anna Maria Island. Leaving a place that had been such an important part of my life was a big transition. Maybe my house was my security blanket… my attachment to the past. I remember walking in my new neighborhood, and it felt uncomfortable. The houses were different than the vacation rentals on the island. The streets felt different. I didn’t know anyone yet. It was like putting on a pair of shoes that were not the kind I was used to wearing. I was resistant and longing for the comfort of the island. I was feeling like a fish out of water. I felt my insecurities and yet as I kept walking, I decided I would open to this new place. Just maybe accept it all as it was. So, when I saw a person in their yard, I would meet them with all my uncertainty. I would let my heart open to this new life that was unfolding and be in awe of this body that continued to get me around even though sometimes I just wanted to crawl back under the covers.
Looking back now, I can see that it opened the door to something new: a different kind of abundance, a deeper connection with myself, and an invitation to really live the life that is calling me now.
Life becomes incredibly rich when we are truly present for it!
There is something deeply beautiful about arriving at this chapter of my life where I realize that I don’t need to chase anything. To simply just BE HERE, present for the life that is unfolding all around me is enough. To notice the beauty and to allow my own curiosity to bring joy through connection and creativity. I feel incredibly grateful. I feel the freedom to explore all the things I love and to allow them to become woven together in unexpected and beautiful ways.
I have an art studio set up now in my house, something I have always wanted. One day I started to paint a vision that I had of myself sitting in the most beautiful garden, with nature surrounding me. I never ever attempted a self-portrait! The older I get, I realize how important it is just to show up for my life, no matter what. So, this project really stretched me and it felt like this was a mountain to climb. I went out and bought a huge canvas and each morning I would begin again. Believe me, it was kind of scary but with my hair braided to the side and my painting clothes on I would offer the day like a prayer to my loved ones. Too many times, I erased the drawing but soon I was brave enough to start painting.
I was also holding a desire to paint someday in Europe (it was always a dream I had). One breath, one brush stroke became an offering, like a mindful meditation. After weeks of this daily practice, I got a call from a girl friend who just got back from France. As she talked about her experience in this little village, it made me excited that one day I would go too! I know after Steve died 13 years ago, I wanted to do the “Eat, Pray, Love” thing. You know, like the movie/book… just go on my own and experience this incredible world!
I went back to my studio and continued to paint and then an hour later another girlfriend called, telling me about her up and coming trip to Noyers, France, to paint with her sister who leads workshops there. Without hesitation I said, “is there room for one more?!” Just like that…it happened and within weeks I was off on this travel adventure that I was dreaming about for years. Not only did I paint with amazing women, I then traveled to Paris and Florence and Rome. Life was happening for me and there was no waiting. I bowed to this opportunity to travel by myself. I was just in the flow of it and how miraculously everything seemed to fall into place.
I got to walk the streets of Noyers, France, this renaissance village, meeting the artisans of the shops and taking in the beauty of the markets and the music of their language. Nature never disappoints and I was welcomed by the beauty and simplicity of it all. As life seems to make you feel invincible sometimes in the next moment you get flattened by something that comes around the corner…like sitting in the classroom, surrounded by all the other eager women who were ready to paint and I was taking it all in like I was in grade one. Excited to learn with my nontoxic acrylic paint … and the moment all the women opened their paint tubes…the paint fumes were too much for me. I felt myself sink into my disappointment as tears rolled down my face. Even though I know I am sensitive to stuff…the grief hit me like a 2 by 4 but I softened and was gently guided by my teacher, Trish. I was shown where I would paint in the room beside. Not my plan, but a perfect place where I learned again how to accept where I am.
The richness of new friends from all walks of life expanded me. I even got to participate in my first art show…I was in my element, surrounded by incredible artists who humbled me with their talent. I learned a lot and deepened with my own self-expression.
Painting is kind of like travel but instead of an outward journey across an ocean or into a new landscape, it happens quietly, with brush in hand. When I paint, I am not always trying to capture what I see. I am trying to capture what I feel. The blank canvas becomes an invitation to enter that space inward where time disappears and I am simply creating. It was fun, every cobblestone step I took.
Then off on my own to travel to Paris, where I went out to eat late and walked the streets of the Seine River, watching the world light up with dance and music on the shore as I joined in. Yes, the food was amazing and the architecture and streets, crowded with people from everywhere. It is a romantic city and as I walked behind couples, arm in arm, I could feel that part of me that missed that too! That longing for my partner to walk beside me and be okay with the missing. The next day I walked and walked, clinging to my own open heart. I couldn’t wait to stand in front of the Eiffel Tower. Even though someone at the front desk of my hotel said it would take me 20 minutes. It took me 1 ½ hours to reach the tower and right beside it in the clear blue sky, a huge X greeted me. A message from Spirit…Steve always letting me know he’s on this journey with me.
Then I arrived in Florence where I was greeted by my friend and her beautiful family who wrapped me up with so much love. Eating amazing food in their restaurants and taken to tucked away places! They opened their hearts and home to me. One day I made my way back to the Accademia Gallery and stood in front of my old friend, David, sculpted by Michelangelo. He didn’t change, but I had. Life had chipped away a lot of the false self and more of me had chosen to live more fully!
Then off on my own again to Rome where I realized how traveling alone to Europe is an incredible adventure and yet I felt the enormity of it all. I really felt alone at times, walking amongst the crowded streets. I really wasn’t prepared for that feeling of loneliness to show its face, but it did. All the ancient ruins seemed to be a backdrop for some of my past that was still lingering inside my body. Then I would watch an elderly couple arguing about something, a young child crying for another gelato and the old tired Italian woman sweeping the steps of the museum and it reminded me that we are all the same. As I looked into the eyes of my fellow Pilgrams, I realized we don’t have to pretend that we are always okay to see the beauty of this world. Being in this city, reminded me how much I love discovering the world. Being immersed in another culture, wandering through markets, exploring ancient streets and cathedrals, seeing paintings of all the ones I studied in art school moved me deeply. Eating pizza, pasta and gelato…whenever I wanted, couldn’t get better than that! It was icing on the biscotti! I felt alive because I was showing up for the life that was here.
I feel grateful for every experience that has brought me to his place- joyful ones, the difficult ones, the unexpected ones and the ones that changed me. At this stage of my life, I feel less interested in proving anything and much more interested in experiencing everything.
I want to keep traveling. I want to keep painting. I want to keep discovering. I want to keep gathering people together. I want to keep creating spaces where we pause, breathe and remember what really matters.
Maybe the greatest gift of this chapter is realizing that life doesn’t become smaller as we grow older. It can become deeper and more alive.
So, today I am simply thankful for this life, for the places I have been and the ones I have yet to discover, for the people who have walked beside me, for the ability to create and for the beauty that surrounds me and keeps me amazed and open to many opportunities. I am curious and excited to see what is waiting on the next page, the next canvas, the next adventure, the next moment…I love my life!
With love,
Frannie
If you are interested in a Muse Destination Workshop, to paint with Trish Land: go to www.trishland.com
