As The Clock Ticks

Hummingbird…
Come to me and spread your joy
I am the nectar you crave
I will bloom and become more
Because of the love you share.

It is always an honor for me to be brought to the bedside of the dying. Each beautiful soul prepared me so I could be present with my mother as she transitioned from this world one and a half years ago. I cannot imagine how fearful I might have been had I not been with these great teachers who showed me how to embrace the dying process.

Months ago my father had brief moments on the other side. He would stop breathing for quite a while as we would stand near him wondering if this was it. Would he return or now choose to leave? He came back saying he saw mom, and she told him that she forgave him and God forgives him too. Another time, he said, with great clarity that after he dies he would come back as a hummingbird. He was excited with this knowingness and asked each of his children to get a hibiscus tree and plant it near a window because, as soon as he could, he would visit us.

Now the doctor has announced to my father that there is nothing that can be done for him and he has given Dad permission to let go and die.

As I lay awake in the wee hours of the night, my mind shows me a life review with my dad. I see him when I was young as he turns his head and smiles at me. Years stream by as I watch this slide show of moments that I have forgotten. They rise up in me without using my thinking mind. The story unfolds from deep within me as I hold myself tenderly and feel the deep love.

How great it is to remember this love and the sweet moments with Dad, like when I would jump up on his lap when he was sitting in his favorite lounge chair. I can still feel him holding me. He was young and strong. It is always amazing to me that the body does not know that this moment of feeling was decades ago. I let the feeling bring me to my heart and connect deeply to this love that will never die.

As the clock ticks and the days slip by, I realize that we are all moving closer to our own transition.

I cannot imagine a life without knowing about my spirit. This incredible life, with all of its ups and downs, has given me the opportunity of inner growth which has helped me to become the person I am meant to be. Each day I live knowing that every moment can unfold divinely. I have learned to trust instead of trying to control (unsuccessfully) out of fear. Buddhist nun and teacher Pema Chodron continues to remind us to turn inward to the fear; to sit with it and let the feeling of unworthiness be there. Can we hold ourselves tender-heartedly and just be okay with this feeling?

Sitting beside the friends who welcomed me into their last stages of life in a body, I was shown the gift of living in the now. Filling the moment with useless chatter had no place there.

These moments were holy, and the silence between us spoke louder and clearer than any words or thoughts could possibly convey. I would listen inward and hear the importance of the moment.

I can say to you right now that I am not afraid of death. I have been shown the other side, or rooms on the other side, of the veil. As I move more deeply inside my own connection to myself, I’m moved beyond the confines of my human body. This feeling is so freeing. Here I feel that we are so much more than these bodies, that we are not alone. Here is where we can be fully present within our own hearts as we join with the heart of all creation.

The dying process is not always about leaving the human body. This transition can occur when moving out of relationships, jobs, or old beliefs that do not serve us. With my father’s dying process, I feel my attachments to him and wonder who I will be when he leaves. Sometimes I wonder if that’s when we really grow up when we become orphans. Upon emerging from my grief over my mother’s passing, I noticed a shift; a new sense of self. How will I feel after Dad goes?

As I sit at the bedside in the last days of my father’s life, a hummingbird appears, drinking the sweet water from the bird feeder that stands bedside the hibiscus plant outside the window. My brother said to me that Dad knows who he will be after he dies, and maybe I am the flower he craves.

This transformational experience can be as simple as moving inward to allow more of your spiritual self to be consciously embraced as who you truly are. Then the lies that once held you prisoner begin to lose their hold. Old aspects of self that are chained to past pain and dysfunctional behavior can die away. The cycle of life and death bring endless opportunities for us to be more fully connected and more fully here. These moments unfold all around us in this worldly life and can focus our awareness on the spiritual life that is always a breath away.

As I look at my father, his eyes wide open yet he is in a deep sleep. I keep speaking to him because on some level I know he hears me. I thank him for this beautiful life that I have because of him. How grateful I am that my father always received my gifts and allowed me to be myself. Even though he doubted his own relationship with God, he never held me back.

I look out of the window as the hummingbird continues its mission to bring joy. It is quite a show outside Dads window as a blue jay and chipmunk eat out of the same bowl and a swan gracefully glides close by. Dad opens his eyes and sees me.

With a weak voice he says, We had a wonderful life together, didn’t we?

Now the tears are uncontrollable as I rest my face upon his chest. The hummingbird is right there as my father and I taste the sweet succulent nectar of love. I feel this timeless place where I commune with all that participates in these precious moments that will never be forgotten. Looking into his eyes I whisper, “Go now to the light my sweet Father and know that your children are just fine.”

Now days later, as I walk down the country road in Abadiania, Brazil just hours after my father’s passing, I look up at the hibiscus trees that line up on the road beside me. There he is, the biggest and most beautiful hummingbird showing its beauty as it hops from one branch to another. My body vibrates as if I have plugged myself into a light socket and the love pours through me. Hello my dad, thank you for coming. In deep gratitude I cry joyous tears.

This story was published in Transformation Magazine's July 2011 issue: www.suncoasttransformation.com