"You are the sky. Everything else is just the weather..." - Pema Chodron
Traveling around in my mind like a whirling dervish, I breathe into the familiar where my body meets all the feelings that daily I am having the great pleasure to receive. Sitting at the window beside my desk, I gaze out at the trees that surround my property. I listen to the birds that blare out sounds so loud that even with the windows closed, it is music to my ears. I am serenaded by the songs that bring me deeply inside the moment.
It's so early, the light is not quite up yet and the clouds are hiding a lot of the dawns beauty. It's another kind of beauty. The greyness of the day begins to show itself. The in between where the light is dim. The coverings start to unveil as I breathe deeply in and out without missing a beat.
How magnificent it is to just have another day to realize something that has been nudging me all week long. That's why I come here, in contemplation, remembering that within this silence that I so long for, I hear what brings me truth. All the memories that crowd my heart sometimes hold me back but mostly everything grounds me into the now. When I feel it as real as anything, the pain is all part of me until I focus on what is true. The little aha moments as I let go of figuring it all out as I watch the weather come and go and the days pass by before my eyes. How easy it is to get lost in the struggles of my own human existence instead of accepting that all will weave its tapestry and one day, like a blanket it will give me the comfort and wisdom of its making. Peace comes when I turn my attention to my heart that reminds me how blessed I am to be human.
I love the morning when everyone seems to be asleep and there is an intimacy with the day that brings me back to what is important. June is a month that brings so much for me. It's my birthday month and it is the anniversary of Steve's passing. Birth and death always seem to walk hand and hand.
Last night my daughter and I watched the movie, "The Bucket List" with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. It's an oldie but goodie and with all the humor and beautiful words of wisdom that passed through the mouths of these great actors, we were touched by our own impermanence.
Lane and I laughed and we cried and at the end of the movie we held each other with tears gushing from our eyes. Rubbing my daughter's back, I melted into her love. How incredible it is to watch your children transform through their own life challenges? In a timeless moment, I enjoyed the peace that flowed through our embrace and once again I am reminded how life brings us back to what is real. Love is all that is real and through all the ups and downs we can return.
We are given these incredible lives to live fully and not let a day go by without remembering how precious it is. Why wait till we have life threatening news, to wake up and smell the roses. Why do we stay asleep and forget to allow ourselves to watch the sunrise? Why do we put off those dreams that are tucked away in the bottom drawer, forgotten or dismissed? Why do we settle for the crumbs when we don't have the courage to rise and speak our needs? I've been all of that and more and that's okay until I open my eyes and listen to the truth that lives in my heart.
I have wanted a salt water pool for forever. This is my birthday present to myself this year. It's a big one on my bucket list and for so long I found ways to push that dream away. Even now, there are many road blocks that seem to be in the way. How easy I find myself dissolving in the fear of doing this project? How easy it is to just say never mind?
So, last night, as I watched the movie, I realized I am not getting any younger and my life is precious. I know that many of Steve's dreams did not get realized because of his early death. If there is one gift he gave me, and there has been many, it is to live life fully. Of course, I can do it without a pool, that's not the point I am making. I just know that sometimes all my fears can get in the way of living life fully.
As I sit here, this early Sunday morning, I hear my dad's voice inside my head when he was on his death bed. He leaned into me and said, "Frannie, get a pool, it was one of my regrets." Even though those words were spoken 6 years ago, they speak louder this morning as a voice of truth that guides my way. I hear him like it was yesterday.