I walk into the house with a cloud hovering over my head. The feelings within me seem to be sticking to my insides like glue. This stagnant energy keeps me from flowing. I know this familiar feeling inside of me needs my attention.
I am mindful as I start to cut vegetables. Each piece of lettuce reflects colors of greens as I take the carrots and begin to grate them. The colors are rich and full of life. Yet my mind wants to loop into insane thoughts of doom and gloom. It isn't pretty inside and nothing about the moment feels beautiful.
Making the evening meal is my "chop wood and carry water" ritual. I use this activity to help me stay present in the moment. Tonight my husband, Steve, is right beside me, doing his part in preparing this meal. He has no idea that I am filled with difficult emotions that are trying to surface. As I breathe in, I allow them to spill out.
I still do not understand where they are coming from. My day was wonderful. Each client that walked into my office gave me the gift of presence. I know better than to try to figure this out. I just feel myself as I continue to prepare dinner. I admit to my husband that I feel funky.
As I touch the pain with acceptance, tears begin to roll down my face.
As I make this connection, I recall the sad news from the night before. I found out that my childhood friend was killed in a tragic car accident. I was not in contact with her since I was a young girl but nonetheless her sudden death has rocked my world. She was the same age as me and now she has left her family without any warning. It's so sudden and heart breaking.
As I become more grounded, I feel some relief come in. Life isn't always giving us a bouquet of flowers, is it? No matter how desperate we may feel or how hopeless our lives may seem, the fact remains that loss and sorrow are a part of life. Yet if we do not cling to our sorrow, the next wave of feelings could be joy because life is always changing. The ebb and flow of our experiences lift us up then bring us to our knees with constant reminders to return to our genuine selves.
How precious this day is. My husband holds me silently and gives me space to reflect. Being quiet within for these moments lets my inner self surface. As I share myself honestly this intimate moment shows me how safe it is to be my authentic self.
Out of the blue, Steve puts on the oldies. As music of the past fills the air, he begs me to lip sync to the song "Big Girls Don't Cry." I feel my resistance as he tries to pull me into a playful mood. A part of me wants to stay in misery.
At the same time, the song filling the room is also filling me up with sweet memories of the past. I slowly feel a smile rising up into my heart as I begin to shake my booty and dance around like there is no tomorrow. We dance around like giddy little children. He looks at me with the eyes of devotion - it does not matter that my hair is pulled back, I have not a stitch of makeup on, I am in my sweaty exercise clothes. I feel the love moving through the moment as he gazes upon me. In his light I feel beautiful. Not because of what I look like, but because I have held myself in all my humanity. I am not covering up anything within. As I let my authentic self be seen and held, the hurt I embraced becomes joy. It always starts within.
If we can open up to the moment, like a flower opens to the sun, we will feel the warmth shine upon us from the inside.
When we are busy running around surviving the best way we can, our defenses keep us closed up. Then life - like the tragic death of a friend - breaks through our defenses, and causes us to face our own immortality.
These feelings can bring us to our knees, to where nothing feels beautiful. Yet when we hold ourselves with complete acceptance, we allow the love to move through in ways we can never fully comprehend or even try to express. There is a peace that overrides the fear of being in a world that has no real security. When we enter inside into the present moment, presence fills us up and there is space for the light to enter.
Think, for a moment, about the web of a spider. This intricate web could not be seen without light shining upon it. It is the sun's rays that reveal its amazing beauty. Similarly, we can look upon the nearest face again and again, and never see its loveliness. But when we open ourselves to the light, its beauty is suddenly revealed. The gentleness of our heart allows us to see and be seen. The body is the receiver and the eyes are the beholder. Life is beautiful again because we went through the darkness with a conscious effort to remember who we truly are and why we are here.
I pray to stay conscious and aware of how precious life is. When I look deeply inside and I am still, I can open up like a flower and receive the light of the sun. The fragrance is the essence of my being that touches the world without effort.
Look into the mirror and take off the masks you've been hiding behind for so long. This courage to trust your own vulnerability will enable you to see your beauty gazing back at you. This is authentic living.
There is no time to waste.
Enter inside and taste
the flavor of your humanity.
Receive yourself just the way you are.
With this acceptance
allow what wants to move through you honestly.
Your uniqueness is the spice of life.
Who you are is a part of a beautiful love story.
Your daily life is your temple
and when you delight in taking care of yourself,
oh what a beautiful life you weave.
Your eyes are the window to the soul.
See the beauty in all that is in your world.
Wake up and go outside and share this light
as this power within illuminates others around you.
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