Living Awake, Moment by Moment

"You are the sky. Everything else- it's the weather." - Pema Chodron

 

            Sometimes, in a heartbeat, our lives can turn upside down. Change can enter like a tornado bringing us the struggles and challenges that can humble us and move us to fall on our knees, asking for help.

            I found myself filled with emotion the other night when I woke up and walked into the living room in the darkness of the night. The intense feeling, like a tsunami came pushing through me as I fell on the couch, crying uncontrollable tears. The suffering of our humanity is pushing on my heart as I hold myself in this release. How grateful I am to empty this heart of mine that called me to surrender once again. Letting the tears flow, the crying just knows what to do. Empty of these feelings, I rest in this space where I become full of a peace that is truly beyond my own understanding. My emptiness brings calmness to every part of me. I rest on the couch in the early morning dawn, knowing that the suffering of our world is felt within. I am surrendered. Nothing to control. Why do I ever think that control would ever set me free? My past losses showed me how to be fully alive. I do not want to ever throw away the chances to love now.

            Life itself seems to humble me again and again as it moves me to my inner-life. Without love or compassion or even truth, it does not matter if I have all the needs of my physical life met and comforts of my daily living all in tack. If my love light is dim and I'm waiting for money in the bank to take care of myself, I realize that the generosity of love and compassion is all that is needed to keep me fully alive. And then "I go out and make the donuts." Being a counselor is my career but loving compassion is my purpose. It comes from my own inner focus to hold myself just where I am, flawed and fabulous. In this acceptance of my inner self, I can be conscious as I breathe. The veils seem to lift where I am awake. It is here in God's mind where I am fully free. The attachments to this world will never make me truly happy.

            I remember the feeling I had, lying beside my 4-month-old grandson as he looked right into my eyes. He touched my face and pulled me closer as I kissed his cheek. He begins to laugh the way when you are tickled, and you can't stop it if you tried. It's contagious. I laughed with him and he looked deeply into my eyes with a sparkle that lights up my heart. It's as if I can see the whole world through his gaze. Pure joy filled the moment as his whole-body giggled. Now, just thinking about it, the feeling of happiness softens the sadness, despair or depression that ever was. All the fears and worries wash away. It seems to dissolve any toxic emotion or anxiety and there is a deep connection to real- life right here, right now. No medicine is better than laughing from the belly and little Theo brings me to it so naturally. 

            My friend David Sears let go into the Divine presence, Feb. 8^th, 2019, in the early morning. His focus was on the life that continues beyond the body, the transition into the sweetest embrace of Spirit. In his last days, he welcomed death as he welcomed you into his breath. Even though his body was filled with cancer, he said, "it is all wonderful!" I witnessed him as he let his heart wrap around the mystery as if he was having a love affair with his own transition. His commitment to conscious dying brought me into conscious living.

            I sit at the restaurant with my friend and my dog as I watch a little bird coming up to Mollie as she plays with this new friend. A little bird, so joyously hopping around like hide and seek. I feel inside my heart, it's David, my friend, my teacher of living life in love till his transition. "Be happy, be happy- it's wonderful! I hear it inside my mind. If he could, he would shine his spirit through this world to say hi. He loved my Mollie so much that he went out and got his puppy, Sweet Pea.

            David was living awake moment by moment before he slipped out of his body. He modeled for me that I have the choice to let go each day of the attachments to this world of form. To live in the presence of the Divine is like sinking into the deepest ocean of well- being. Here is where we are called to be.

            Happiness is our birthright. When we are in harmony inside, independent of the chaotic conditions outside, truly our minds have let go of interpreting the experience. We just begin to move into the flow of life as it is. The grieving heart takes a break; we make a choice to take off the heavy garments of sadness and sorrow and look in the eyes of this world like a beautiful spring day calling us forth to play. We let go and surrender to the moment at hand where we can walk into a new state of being and in the meantime just get outside and go for a walk.           

          I am deeply guided as my inward focus brings me into my intuitive nature where I embrace it all. It's more than just understanding it with my head. My heart feels the experience of living fully. I look up at the clear blue sky as a new world inside of me is being created.

 

Be awake as you reach into what is here.

Let go and be love now.

 

Blessings and Love, 

Frannie

Under the Tuscan Sky

"Recognize the tremendous courage you show every moment of every day, with each breath, you reaffirm your decision to embrace and learn from your own challenges. Within that recognition, you will find your soul." -Your Soul's Plan by Robert Schwartz

This journey we are on is about love. We are here to learn to love ourselves and others. It's hard when we are deep in grief or fear has us paralyzed in its grip or when we think we can't possibly try again. Maybe then, we can let out a sigh that helps us let go of what is and inhale and try once again.  If we  accept life as it is, we might see the energy that is weaving us all together like one beautiful tapestry. Allowing it all to be without judgment helps us to see our life lessons that can be less painful when we breathe deeply into this presence that lives through us and around us in every moment of our living. When we meet the outer world with our inner world, our heart prevents us from collapsing and we are very much in control of what we can be. We learn to be more resilient as the pain of life moves through us.

Being in Italy is truly a romantic backdrop for falling in love. It's definitely a place to find yourself in the arms of beauty that exists all around. The sculptures, the paintings, the cobble stone streets, the ruins that are around every corner, especially in Rome, captivates you. Everywhere I look, I am in awe of the massive buildings, the cypress and umbrella trees. It's busy with cars and people from all nations as one gets caught up in being a tourist. So much to see and take in as I walk the streets or drive through the countryside.  It's all magical and in some ways it feels surreal. It's like stepping into another world, so different than the one I am used to living in.

As I sit under the arbor, overlooking the valley, here at the Villa Stefano in Tuscany, I enter inside with my breath as the beauty of the outside brings me to a sigh. It's the comfort of fully being here within myself as I take in the peace that nature gives so freely. In this silence within me, my senses heighten and the sweet music of the birds, the sounds of insects flying near as the breeze wraps itself around me, I drop into the familiar place of connection. It doesn't matter where I am, I come inward so that the awareness of all that is,  gives me that feeling like no other. It's like meeting an old friend, where there is no distance or time when we live in the heart. It's just comfortable to be right here amidst this world that spins around with so much information and movement. I feel like being still is like winning a most treasured gift. It's not like I am running away from life, I just come inside to find that sweet spot where the divine meets my humanity. It's always there waiting for my return and when I do take reprieve from my busy world, I am rewarded. I feel I see the world with a deeper connection and I love more deeply. I would say that mindfully I have chosen to live from the inside out and then this world becomes my constant companion and there is less struggle because I realize everything is perfectly unfolding.

artwork by Frannie

A week ago, just starting off my vacation in Tuscany at the Villa where my boyfriend Robert brings tours to experience living in Italy, I fell down the stairs and sprained my foot. Off to the doctors to get X-rays and a walking cast. This was definitely not in my plan. There was no time to feel sorry for myself because obviously the moment before my fall, I wasn't as present as I could have been and how grateful I was it wasn't worse. It happens so quickly and life as we know it changes.

So for a year you think about this month long retreat away and all of your imaginings truly can't ever do it justice. It's just beautiful arriving here and walking or limping for me on the ancient roads and seeing the cathedrals and museums of exquisite art. Everywhere you walk is a picture worthy of taking and the food is such a big part of the experience of Italy. Robert is the ultimate host and all of his planning comes together so naturally  as each person begins to make their home this villa. Nothing to do but enjoy being taken care of as drivers and guides take you on the tours and when you arrive back to your villa home, a 5 to 7 course meal awaits. Robert has a young chef, Alessia,who is from the area and cooks all of the recipes from all around Italy and with Roberts passion of cooking, the food is nothing less then perfect. Every course is like going into the best restaurant and what is so great is the love that is poured into every dish. You learn about the history of these dishes and sitting under the stars and moon we enjoy conversation, food and delicious wines around the table where friendships grow deeper. Maria and her daughter Diana serve and clean up and there is nothing you need to do but receive the relaxation of this beautiful place.

So, I am reminded again, that it is not the experiences that form us but it is the way we respond to it. As I sit in this stillness of a beautiful afternoon, I see with a greater awareness that when I don't push against what is, there is a freedom to experience what is here. There is no distractions as I allow myself the luxury to sit on the patio and feel the exquisite beauty of being right here inside myself. After letting go of my disappointment that I could not go on the walking tour with my friends, I was here, in this magnificent experience that brought me into the stillness that for me is heaven on earth. I was so happy to know that my friends were enjoying Sienna and shopping in Florence and viewing the David at the Academia. The joy was right here making a way for me to let go a little more of my plans and trust that healing was happening because I did not stay stuck in the loss. Yes, even when you fall and you can't walk, you grieve a little because we have such expectations with our thought out plans. I know Robert had thoughts of me  walking down to the river or climbing up the hills through the vineyards. Yet, to realize that this moment is all you have, you can create a deeper union with spirit and let your eyes open wide and appreciate all that is existing. I take in a breath of fresh air and watch the breeze move through the olive trees as the sun warms my heart. Getting lost in the moment, I look up at the clear blue sky.

As a writer and an artist, it is the stillness that becomes my workplace. This is where I take in the world and all of it's impressions and when I sit still and come inward, the words or brush strokes, express the feelings and thoughts of what life has brought me. I love to share it in this way and how beautiful it is to put an experience onto a clear canvas or even my tablet. I just get fed, just like eating all the delicious food that has been put on my plate.

Seeing all of the paintings of the Renaissance time or sculptures of the masters, I am inspired just with my eyes as I observe it all and it brings an energy that weaves it all together. I can feel inspired to draw or paint even though my skills are so simple, I can look at these masterpieces and be taken into a world of creation and get lost in the silent mind that just receives its beauty. Sitting inside this quiet place I sigh with relief that even if I do nothing but receive this moment, I can be renewed and full of life once again.

So whether I travel to far away places or just happen to pull myself away from all of the distractions like cell phones, YouTube, Facebook, and emails, I can journey inside to a inner landscape and be brave enough to allow myself to face the inner parts hidden underneath all of those questions and ideas. I can welcome it all until  I am unveiled and nothing keeps me from the joy of being right here. The voices become quiet and the body softens and my heart expands to love this world a little more. This amplifies the experience of life as I walk with or without crutches to bring the calm into this ordinary world filled with commotion.

I look out over the valley and the same sky that hours ago brought me here, looks even brighter.

Ciao Bella,

Frannie

Partnering with Spirit

It's been a stormy and rainy day as I drive from the office to have dinner with my boyfriend Robert. There on the grass, parked is a white limousine. Today would have been my wedding anniversary to Steve and there it is, the road sign and symbol of our union. As I listen to my heart speaking to him, the dark heavy clouds are pouring down rain, as a bright sun peaks out of the opening and shines right on my car and the road I am driving on. Then the song that Luke sang at our wedding begins to play on the radio. My body begins to vibrate with truth chills as Steve's presence continues to make itself known. I line up in the moment and then this divine awareness becomes my beloved companion. It's not a phenomena to me. I invite my spirit loved ones to show up in my world at anytime. I feel their messages of love sent to me daily.

(drawing by Frannie Hoffman)

 

I love the quote from Yoko Ono when she was asked how she could bear being without John Lennon given they had spent 90% of their time together, her response was:

"Now we spend 100% of our time together."

 

The death of the body is not the death of love. It doesn't mean we don't grieve and feel the hurt but we can transcend the loss. When our hearts remain open to the flow of truth, the spirit can compensate for material loss. 

 

My connection to spirit's wisdom is natural and intimate. It feels like second nature to me and I believe that all the losses in my life have helped me to feel myself more fully and allow inner guidance or intuition to be my lifeline to freedom. If we can turn our attention inward to our heart instead of letting outside appearances overwhelm us, the Universe will show us what to do and where to go as we trust our own vibration.

 

My mother was a great teacher for me. She didn't listen to the doctor who told her that she couldn't have children. She climbed those steps of St. Joseph's Oratory in Quebec, praying as she knelt on every step, listening to her heart. She saw the crutches and wheel chairs that lined up on her path up the hill. Her pilgrimage was her own. She allowed her deepest desire to speak loudly. She believed she was born to have children. She listened to her inner calling and leaped with faith as she continued to give herself up to God. She knew her calling was to be a mother. Nothing stopped her from this deep spiritual connection to her heart. She had faith and her fears did not stop her.

 

That night my mother conceived triplet girls. My sisters and I were born and 2 years later so was my brother. 

 

My mother was an incredibly gifted and talented woman. She lived with a disease where her mind kept her in fear and so many days she was paralyzed with anxiety. Her suffering was unending and yet the joy of her children was the salve that soothed her brokenness. She was beautiful and cooking was love. She always had soup going on the stove or something mouth watering in the oven. She was a master at painting and creating centerpieces made of driftwood. Did I say how she loved her children? It is worth saying again. Maybe sometimes she loved us more than herself.

 

I wished she could have loved her own life more fully but yet in the end, she continued to be brave. It took great courage to let go of this world. She suffered with Alzheimer's and in her tormented days, she would look around her most favorite home, our cottage up north in Northern Ontario, and stare at all of her belongings surrounding her. The walls were adorned with the many oil paintings that she created through the years . My mother would cry out and plead " I want to go home. Please, you tell me these are my paintings and this is my favorite home, just take me home, nothing here is familiar." As I looked into her eyes she said, " I want to go home! "

 

At the time it was heartbreaking to listen to her pain and longing to remember her home. Now I believe that she was longing for her spiritual home. This place of comfort that no longer was inside her reality anymore. She was longing for that which seemed forgotten. 

 

Home for her was creating in the kitchen beautiful recipe's that made your mouth water just thinking about it. She showed her love through her cooking and sharing food. Her mother was the same. Food was love and that was something that I was always inspired by. I too love to cook and share love in this way. It is that feeling inside that makes you feel at home and having a pot of soup on the stove is something that just feels good. I love the feeling of cutting up veggies and throwing it all in a pot as I create this goodness that gives me life. Creating salads and dishes of all kinds is just a little piece of heaven for me. It doesn't matter if I didn't have enough money to shop for a big grocery, I would use what I had to create something that could feed others. It was a way to share love. 

 

Our mothers were our first home inside their womb. They are the music on the radio, the sun peaking through the rain clouds. They whisper sweet comfort during these life long journeys.

 

Today let us celebrate our mothers and mother figures in our life. Maybe they didn't always give us what we needed. These great woman helped to mould us and to be all that we are today. 

 

May we forgive our own fears when we forget how natural it is to breath and become more. We are here to bring life into us and let our bodies be the instrument to co-create a beautiful life. From the inside to the outside, let us leap into the moment with great abandon and share all that we receive.

 

Bowing to our mothers for we can receive life because this is our birthright! 

How blessed I am to be a mother.

 

Namaste,

Frannie